Monday, July 21, 2014

Clearing my mind

Hello! Once again, it's been a while hasn't it? Ah, life. Life keeps me so so busy, but most of the busy-ness is me trying to just organize everything around me. Oh man I can't tell you the different cleaning projects I have picked up around the house and all of the purging that has went on lately.

I took a moment to really look inside myself and figure myself out a bit and what I've discovered is that all of these seemingly endless tasks I've taken on, all of the organizing and cleaning that never ever ends when there are toddlers in the house and adults who all have their own style of living, it's all me just trying to gain a sense of control over things I have no control over. It's like, if I can organize the house, then I can organize the jumbled mess of thoughts and ideas in my mind. It reminds me of the  "nesting" stage in pregnancy. I can't get anything to be clean or organized enough but every single day I'm working on something, somewhere just trying to make a dent, trying to get ready for something. But what exactly am I getting ready for? I have no idea. A part of me feels like if I can purge all of the junk and find places for all of the "stuff" and just make everything nice and neat (you know, like a Pinterest home) that everything will somehow be better. How does that make sense? I can't even tell you. I still won't have a car or place of my own. My paycheck will still be itty bitty. I still won't have even the slightest bit of "me" time. The kids will still drive me crazy at least once a day. And there won't be a husband coming home to me who I can rest my head on and open my heart to. No, a clean house won't solve any of those things. And a clean house, with two toddlers won't stay clean long at all. So I'll just keep busy doing what I'm doing, trying to grasp onto some sense of control. And maybe one day things get better. And if they don't, well then I'll just have to keep reminding myself of how blessed I am to even have such a beautiful home and wonderful family at all.

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