Thursday, February 20, 2014

Two Years STRONG

I've been trying to write a this post for about a week now. I knew what I wanted to write about, but every time I was able to hop on my laptop, something would come up. When I did find some free time, I wrote. And wrote and wrote and wrote. It was way too long and full of way too much detail and my point wasn't coming across like I wanted it to.

And then Monday happened.

But before I explain Monday and before I explain what I had been writing about, let me share one of the last sentences I wrote in my original draft before completely deleting it all and starting over again...

"But everything happens for a reason. And I believe it's ultimately to glorify God."

God. Jesus. My savior. My comfort. My peace. I had planned to add Him in at the end of my post but I know now there is no other place for Him than right here at the beginning. All the glory for everything you are about to read goes to Him!

As I approached Valentines day, I felt compelled to write about something deeply personal to me, my breakup with Josiah's father. Mainly because it happened just days after Valentines day two years ago while I was still pregnant. The date itself is lost to me. I think my mind blocked it out because I can't pinpoint it for the life of me. In those two years I went through the craziest emotional roller coaster ride I could have ever imagined. But despite it all, I'm still standing. I have God to thank for that.

I cried so much these past two years, I'm surprised I still have any tears left in me! I've fought with my mind and heart, and went from trying to convince myself that I was "ok," to being SO unbelievably low and depressed, to raging with bitterness and jealousy, and even wishing that his girlfriend would turn around and break his heart worse than he broke mine. Mean I know, but I was in a horrible place. Over the course of the first year I dealt with one "milestone" after another. First it was learning that he was dating again. Ouch! Then I had to begin to put my feelings aside and let Josiah go with his dad when his girlfriend would be around. Eventually I had to stop pretending she wasn't real and meet her. She killed me with kindness that day, I went home and cried. I had to convince myself that as much as I wanted to dislike her and as much as I "SHOULD" dislike her, there wasn't anything not to like.  Josiah's feelings toward her were tricky on me as well. He absolutely loves her! I had a very hard time dealing with the idea of another woman in my child's life, especially one who would play a parent-type role to him.

My goodness it's been hard. I can't begin to describe how it feels to have your heart broken over and over and over again. I can't explain the way it hurts to you see your young baby with his daddy and having to fight off the overwhelming feeling of love because you aren't allowed to feel those feelings toward him anymore. There was so much longing and hoping and wishing for a complete family, and then having to face the facts each time that it will never ever be that way. There were never ending, questions that kept me up at night of "Why me?" "Why us?" "What if?" And of course "It's not supposed to be this way! It's not fair!" played non-stop in my mind like a song stuck on repeat.

With my heart shattered into a million teeny, tiny pieces, I had no idea how I'd ever pull myself up out of the dark hole I had fallen into.

God Knew.

While I was stuck hurting and wanting nothing more than to take Josiah and run away somewhere far away to escape the person who hurt me the most, I couldn't. I couldn't take my son away from his father. I couldn't take his father away from him. So while I was dealing with one thing after another, I also needed to remain civil and friendly to my ex. I mean, it's one thing to have to be a single mother. It's another thing to be a bitter one, at least on the outside. I can't imagine ever being that "baby momma" type of woman, you know what I mean? I don't roll that way. Sure, I battled my fair share of negative thoughts from time to time. But at the end of the day I knew that thinking bad, wishing bad, and portraying myself negatively would hurt Josiah most of all. Plus, I still love his father very much, just not romantically anymore.

I started going back to church regularly right after we broke up. It took plenty of sermons, prayers and tears to learn that I needed to forgive him. Not just in words or even in actions (though those are very important too) but deep within my heart and soul as well. I made him and his girlfriend a part of Josiah and my nightly prayers. I often prayed that for Josiah's sake and their own, that they would "do things right," whatever that meant.

Monday I learned what it meant.

I dropped Josiah off to spend the day with his daddy and as I was ready to leave, he told me he had news for me. He hesitated for a moment and in my mind I already had an idea. He had proposed to her.

My first reaction was to smile because I was happy for him. I congratulated him, and then came the tears.

I can't explain those tears because for once in this long journey of trying to mend this broken heart, I really WASN'T sad! But the tears kept flowing anyway. It wasn't the "woulda, coulda, shoulda's" that like to whisper in my ear late at night. It wasn't jealously. It wasn't exactly joy either. I just don't know. But I was sure to let him know that I was very happy for him for finally doing things right and for being a better role model for Josiah.

As I was driving back, I prayed to Jesus out loud in the car. I cried and thanked him and cried some more. I even missed my street and kept on driving. It was a "pretty" cry too! Not the boogery, ugly cry where you finish looking like a hot mess and unable to breathe normally. It HAD to have been God!!!

This is what I think happened... I've just been set free. I have closure. Peace! For the first time in a very long time, I just feel good.

I woke up the next morning feeling fresh and new. Theres no more to be sad about. I still love Josiah's father but we are very different people now and I've known for a long time now that he isn't the one for me anymore. I really like his fiancé also. I appreciate the respect she shows me as Josiah's mother and how she treats my baby boy. She really does loves him.

As for me, I whole heartedly trust and believe that God has someone much better up His sleeves lined up for me and when the time is right, I'll find out who that person is. Until then, I'll still praise Him and keep doing what I'm doing for Josiah and myself.

I used to hate (and I mean HATE!!!!!!) hearing "Don't worry, one day it'll all be better," because I never knew when "one day" would come. Only God could have healed this broken heart and I'm pleased to say that almost exactly two years to the date of the worst night of my life, my first and most important "one day" has finally come! I'm looking toward the future and it looks bright and I've never been stronger or more ready to see what comes next! Praise God!

Have you had your heart broken or know someone going through it now? Please tell me your story and/or share mine. Everyone deserves know that they are not alone. God is always by your side. If you seek Him first, pray, read your Bible, focus on Him and His work, your life WILL turn around for the better. I am nobody. I am a sinner, I don't deserve even a fraction of what Jesus has done for me and what He continues to do for me. But He forgives and He loves us with a love we cannot even comprehend. Two years ago, as I sat nursing my newborn Jo and crying as I read a story of another single mom's one-year healing period and thinking it was too long, I would have never imagined myself in the position I am in today with my heart just about completely mended and ready to "move on."

Thank you Jesus!!


  1. I'm so happy that you are in a better place!

    Kayla. E :)

  2. Wow sis I am just in awe and in loss for words! This is one of the most touching blogs I have ever read. I'm beyond happy you are finally whole now. You are finally moving on! Those tears weren't your tears it was Jesus moving through you and saying this is the end, the new beginning is here."

  3. Thank YOU so much for reading :)